General Election 2010

Last year I wrote here about the opportunism of the Conservative Party in exploiting the MP's expenses scandal. Now that we are in the Election campaign, as a member of the Labour Party I feel that Gordon Brown and the leadership should be more combative towards the Conservative Party. My first ever published writing was a critical history of the Conservatives, which appeared in 1989, with a second edition following in 1990. The clear villain of the book was Margaret Thatcher, the Prime Minister at the time it was written. My view of Thatcher’s politics was set out in the final pages of the book. Perhaps the tone was a bit too strident, but twenty one years on from first publication, I stand by most of the following:


During the 1979 General Election campaign the Conservative Party concentrated on Labour's troubled time in office and their own alternative, which resembled that of 1970. Their manifesto was called Time For a Change. This was an unlikely title for a Conservative manifesto. That­cher constantly spoke of the need for a change of direction. The Election was held on May 3, and the Conservatives won 339 seats to Labour's 269, while the Liberals won 11 seats and the others 17. The Con­servatives had a majority of 43. Thatcher now became Britain's first woman Prime Minister. Thatcher's Government initially represented a balance between the adherents of her approach and the sceptics. She excluded Heath, who was to be a constant critic in the following years. The Conservatives' General Election victory was followed by victory in the first EEC Election, held in June. Thatcher proclaimed herself to be a "convic­tion politician", opposed to consensus. Her major pre­occupation was an attempt to reverse Britain's long term economic decline through monetarism. This was developed by Milton Friedman, an economist from the United States. It was a theory that had only been been properly tested by one of the world's most barbaric regimes, the Fascist military dictatorship of Chile. The result had been a spectacular failure. Thatcher's Govern­ment was soon showing itself to be a disaster for Britain. Thatcher's economic strategy involved reduced public expenditure, reduced taxation – especially for the ruling class – an attack on the trade unions, and privatisation. The result was mass unemployment. When Thatcher took power unemployment was above one million. She increased it to two million in August 1980, and then three million in January 1982. Thatcher showed herself to be authoritarian, inflexible and uncaring. Her Government attacked the democratic rights of the British people, most notably with restrictions on the powers of local authorit­ies. Thatcher followed an aggressive foreign policy. This involved hostility to the Soviet Union. At the end of 1979 the Soviet Union invaded Afghanistan. Thatcher con­demned this action, being unconcerned that the Conserva­tive Party had instigated an invasion of Afghanistan a century earlier. She was involved in constant disputes with the EEC. Thatcher notably failed to improve the position of women. Her own position as the first woman to lead the Conservative Party was anomalous, as the Party has always been dominated by males, and has perpetuated male dominance of British society. Conserva­tive women, being reactionaries, have not sought to alter this.
Thatcher's approach immediately became known as Thatcherism. It was an ideological system whereas its predecessors in the Conservative Party, Peelism and Disraelianism, had not been. Thatcher was therefore placing herself outside of the mainstream of the Conservative Party, by proclaiming her belief in ideology whereas the Party had always previously prided itself on its non-ideo­logical nature. Thatcher's programme was proclaimed by her supporters as being radical. They even repeated the unlikely claim of Heath, that a Conservative Government was carrying out a revolution. In practice Thatcherism was reactionary, for it attacked many of the gains made by the British people, in an attempt to revive capitalism. Thatcher's policies provoked a great deal of opposition within the Conservative Party. She merely dismissed this, calling her opponents "wets." She gradually removed the "wets" from the Government. They spent a great deal of time complaining about Thatcher's approach, but failed to take any effective steps to hinder it. They did not have the courage to put forward an alternative Leader so Thatcher was re-elected as Party Leader each year with­out facing any challenge. The "wets" were joined by the unlikely figure of Peter Thorneycroft. Now that he saw what monetarism meant in practice he did not like it. He was replaced as Party Chairman in September 1981 by Cecil Parkinson. Meanwhile the Party organisation solidly sup­ported Thatcher. Each year her speech at the rally follow­ing the Party Conference prompted the pathetic spectacle of a marathon standing ovation.
The Government became increasingly unpopular, until its fortunes were revived by victory in the Falklands War. The Argentinian invasion of the Falklands in April 1982 represented a crisis for the Government, and prompted the resignation of Lord Carrington, the Foreign Secretary, Thereafter the military operation to recover the islands reflected well on Thatcher. She dishonestly presented the war as a fight against Fascism. She had previously allowed the sale of arms to the Fascist military dictatorship of Argentina. It was only now they were being used against Britain that Thatcher saw a problem. Nevertheless this surprise did not provoke Thatcher into opposition to Fas­cism. During the war she worked in alliance with the Fascist dictatorship of Chile against Argentina.
Besides the Falklands War, the Conservatives were helped by divisions in the Labour Party, which had led to the formation of the Social Democratic Party at the start of 1981. The SDP then formed the Alliance with the Liberal Party. The emergence of the Alliance appeared to increase the threat to the Conservatives, but eventually aided them by taking votes off of Labour at the next Election. This Election was held on June 9 1983. The Conservatives were little troubled in the campaign by the other Parties, which were in a weak state. The Conserva­tives won 397 seats, Labour 209, the Alliance 23, and the others 21. The Conservative majority was 144. The Conservatives' landslide victory was deceptive. It occurred due to the divided nature of the opposition. The Conservative Party's share of the vote was little higher than it had been in 1945.
Thatcher's second term was as unsuccessful as her first. There were constant problems. In October Cecil Parkin­son, who had recently relinquished the post of Party Chairman, resigned from the Government, when it was revealed that his former secretary, Sara Keays, was expecting his child. In February 1984 Harold Macmillan accepted a peerage on his nineteeth birthday, becoming the Earl of Stockton. He used his return to prominence to criticise Thatcher. He died in December 1986. The Conservative Party was divided over Thatcher's continu­ing attack on local government. The Government carried legislation that limited local authorities' powers to set their own rates, and abolished the Greater London Coun­cil and the Metropolitan County Councils – on account of their being Labour-controlled. In March 1984 the miners went on strike, in opposition to the Government's programme of running down the coal industry. For a whole year the Government was to preside over this dam­aging dispute without attempting to settle it. Meanwhile the Conservatives won the second EEC Election, which was held in June 1984, although Labour made gains. In October 1984 the IRA bombed the Grand Hotel at Brigh­ton where Conservative Party Conference representatives were staying. Several members of the Party were killed. In the Autumn of 1985 the Government discarded mone­tarism, realising that it had failed. Nevertheless the Government maintained its general economic plan. Although there had been some economic improvement it could not be called a success. Mass unemployment was only gradually reduced. The Government was seriously damaged by the events surrounding the Westland helicop­ter company at the beginning of 1986. Two Cabinet Min­isters, Michael Heseltine and Leon Brittan, resigned amid a Cabinet dispute over the ownership of the company. Thatcher's personal position seemed threatened by revel­ations about her role in the dispute, but she survived the crisis. Later in the year the Conservatives were damaged by another sex scandal. This featured Jeffrey Archer. He had previously been a Conservative MP and a successful businessman, only to lose his fortune and abandon his political career. He had retrieved his fortune with the large sales of a series of mediocre novels, and been appointed Deputy Chairman of the Party. Having rehabilitated himself, he now suffered another misfortune. He blundered his way into paying money to a prostitute, Monica Coghlan, who he had not met, in order that she would not reveal details of their alleged liaison. This was publicised, and the outcome was Archer's resignation.
Early in 1987 Thatcher paid a triumphant visit to the Soviet Union, relations having thawed. This enhanced Thatcher's reputation. The visit to the Soviet Union was an unlikely way for a Leader of the Conservative Party to improve her electoral prospects, but that was one of its aims. In May 1987 Thatcher called an Election for June 11. The Conservative manifesto was entitled The Next Moves Forward. In the foreword Thatcher took the unlikely step of associating herself with the idea of "One Nation". She claimed that her Government was fulfilling this aim. The Conservatives ran a poor campaign, but still won, largely because the opposition remained weak. The Conservatives won 375 seats, Labour 229, the Alliance 22 and the others 24. The Conservatives had won a majority of 100. The Election victory was followed by a reconstruction of the Govern­ment. This included the sacking of John Biffen – who had been Leader of the House of Commons. Biffen responded by saying that Thatcher's Government was Stalinist. The idea of the Conservative Party being influenced by Stalin­ism was certainly a new one. It was as unusual as That­cher proclaiming herself as a supporter of the "One Nation" approach. As Thatcher entered her third term in office, the thinking of the Conservative Party was charac­teristically incoherent.

World Cup 2010

Hello and welcome to International Pixel-Stained Technopeasant Day 2010. With it also being Saint George's Day, here is a bit of English patriotism, ahead of the World Cup finals.

So Near and Yet So Far: England and the World Cup

English football is looking forward to the 2010 World Cup finals, eighty years on from the establishment of the competition, making this a good time to put England’s record in perspective. England are one of only seven countries to have won the World Cup, the others being Argentina, Brazil, France, Germany / West Germany, Italy, and Uruguay. Forty four years have passed since England’s famous triumph, as host nation, in 1966. The best achievement by an England team in a World Cup held on foreign soil saw a run to the 1990 Semi Finals, in Italy. There has been progress to the latter stages of the competition on several other occasions, but England have too often under-performed. In fact, England did not perform at all in the first three World Cups.

England gave football to the world in the nineteenth century, but subsequently developed an insular attitude to the formal organisation of the international game by the Federation Internationale de Football Association, formed on the initiative of France in 1904. England joined FIFA the following year, but withdrew in 1920, to avoid association with nations that Britain had fought against in the First World War. The English returned to FIFA in 1924, only to leave again four years later, in a dispute over the nature of amateurism. The first World Cup was played in Uruguay in 1930, and won by the host nation, but England were not among the participants, being ineligible as they were not current members of FIFA. England remained outside the fold as the 1934 and 1938 World Cups, hosted by Italy and France respectively, were both won by Italy. England even declined a special invitation from FIFA to compete in the 1938 finals, as a replacement for Austria, following the annexation of that country by Germany.

The Second World War led to the abandonment of plans to hold World Cups that would have culminated in 1942 and 1946. England rejoined FIFA in 1946, and entered the 1950 World Cup. The British Championship for 1949-50 doubled as a World Cup qualifying group, and England began with a 4-1 win against Wales, with Jackie Milburn scoring a hat trick. England subsequently beat Northern Ireland 9-2 – Jack Rowley providing four of the goals – and Scotland 1-0. England were led at the finals, staged in Brazil, by Walter Winterbottom, but the manager, who held the post from 1946 to 1962, was not in sole command of the team line-up, as he had to work with a selection committee, appointed by the Football Association. The team was captained by Billy Wright, who would also perform this role in the 1954 and 1958 finals. England began with a 2-0 win against Chile, with goals from Stan Mortensen and Wilf Mannion. In their next match England suffered a humiliating 1-0 defeat against the USA, who were rank outsiders, despite dominating the play. The goal was scored by Larry Gaetjens, a man who was originally from Haiti. A subsequent defeat against Spain eliminated England at the end of the first group stage. The four group winners progressed to a further group, which determined the winners of the competition, instead of the usual knock-out process. In the decisive match, Uruguay beat Brazil 2-1 to regain the world title.

For the 1954 World Cup, the British Championship was again utilised as a qualifying group, and England won all three of their matches. At the finals, staged in Switzerland, England drew 4-4 with Belgium and beat Switzerland 2-0 to emerge from the group stage, with Ivor Broadis and Nat Lofthouse each scoring twice in the first match. The star of the England attack in this tournament was Stanley Matthews, the legendary winger, who was now aged 39, and had only been included in the squad at the last minute by the selection committee, something which had also happened in 1950. England lost 4-2 against Uruguay in the Quarter Finals, with Gil Merrick, the goalkeeper, at fault for Uruguay’s first and last goals. The Uruguayans’ third goal was scored by Juan Schiaffino, after a team-mate had started a move with a drop kick, being allowed to do so by Erich Steiner, the Austrian referee. West Germany were to be the surprise winners of the World Cup this year, beating Hungary’s “Magic Magyars” 3-2 in the Final.

England sailed through the qualifiers for the 1958 World Cup, with Tommy Taylor scoring hat tricks as Denmark were beaten 5-2 and the Republic of Ireland 5-1. Taylor also scored twice in a 4-1 win against the Danes. Taylor was tragically killed in the Munich air disaster which decimated the Manchester United team in February 1958. Duncan Edwards, another star of the England team, died as a result of his injuries in the plane crash. Bobby Charlton, a survivor of the Munich crash, was in the England squad for the 1958 World Cup finals, staged in Sweden, but did not play in any of the matches. England drew all three of their group games, against the Soviet Union, Brazil, and Austria. Bobby Robson, a future England manager, was unlucky to have goals disallowed due to refereeing errors in the first and third matches. England met the Soviet Union for a second time, in a play-off to decide which team advanced with Brazil, who eventually went on to win the trophy, to the Quarter Finals. The Soviet Union won by a single goal, which meant that England returned home from the World Cup finals without a win – the only time this has happened.

England saw off Portugal and Luxembourg to qualify for the 1962 finals. A 9-0 win against Luxembourg, England’s largest ever in the World Cup, featured hat tricks by Bobby Charlton and Jimmy Greaves. England struggled through the group stage in Chile, losing to Hungary and drawing 0-0 with Bulgaria, either side of a 3-1 victory against Argentina, in the first World Cup meeting between the two countries. Ron Flowers, Charlton, and Greaves were the English scorers against Argentina. In the Quarter Finals, England were beaten 3-1 by Brazil, as Garrincha scored twice. With Pele, their young star in 1958, missing most of the 1962 tournament through injury, Garrincha emerged as the inspiration for Brazil, who retained the trophy.

Four years later England was the host nation for the 1966 finals, which meant that the team qualified automatically. England were now managed by Alf Ramsey, who had played in the 1950 finals. Ramsey modernised the organisation of the team, expertly captained by Bobby Moore, and also developed the 4-4-2 formation. England began with a goalless draw against Uruguay, before beating Mexico and France. Argentina were defeated by a single goal, from Geoff Hurst, in a bruising Quarter Final, in which Antonio Rattin, the visitors’ captain, was sent off amidst a lengthy dispute. In the Semi Finals, England defeated Portugal 2-1, with a brace of goals from Bobby Charlton. In a brilliant and dramatic Final, England beat West Germany 4-2, after extra time, with Geoff Hurst scoring a hat trick, while Martin Peters got England’s other goal. In a game of twists and turns, the Germans drew level at 2-2 in the last minute of normal time, with Wolfgang Weber scoring a dubious goal. In the break before extra time Ramsey exhorted his team to renewed efforts, telling them “You won it once, now you must win it again”. Ramsey also pointed to the tired Germans, and said they were finished. England regained the lead in extra time with a shot from Geoff Hurst, which apparently did not fully cross the goal-line. The match ended with Hurst scoring from a glorious shot into the roof of the net. England had finally won the trophy that matched its claims of leadership in world football.

In 1970 England were again given direct passage to the finals, this time as holders of the trophy. The tournament was held in Mexico, with heat and altitude being a major issue for visiting teams. England’s attempt to defend their world title is mostly recalled for a couple of defeats. In the group stage Brazil beat England 1-0, with a goal from Jairzinho, after Gordon Banks had made a famous save to deny Pele, who seemed set to score with a powerful header. Bobby Moore remained as captain, and played with great assurance, especially in the match against Brazil, despite having been arrested in Colombia, when falsely accused of theft, shortly before the tournament began. Single goal victories against Romania and Czechoslovakia, either side of the Brazil game, took England to the Quarter Finals, where they met West Germany. England built up a two goal lead, with goals from Alan Mullery and Martin Peters, but the Germans drew level, before winning 3-2 after extra time, getting the better of a tiring England team. Banks missed the game due to illness, having drunk some defective beer, and his replacement, Peter Bonetti, made errors. Alf Ramsey was blamed by many for his decision to substitute Bobby Charlton, making what proved to be his last international appearance, when England were leading 2-1, apparently resting the veteran player ahead of a hoped-for Semi Final. The tournament ended with Brazil beating Italy 4-1, to take the trophy for the third time.

The 1974 World Cup saw England eliminated in the qualifiers for the first time, as they lost 2-0 away to Poland – with Alan Ball, a member of the team that won the 1966 Final, being sent off – and were held to a 1-1 draw at Wembley. England dominated the latter game, but were denied by brilliant goalkeeping from Jan Tomaszewski. Failure to qualify led to the dismissal of Alf Ramsey, which occurred shortly before the 1974 finals. Alf Ramsey was eventually replaced by Don Revie – after Joe Mercer had a spell as caretaker manager. Revie resigned from the post during the 1978 World Cup qualifiers, at which point Ron Greenwood took on the role as manager, initially in a caretaker capacity. England lost 2-0 away to Italy, but won the return by the same score, with goals from Kevin Keegan and Trevor Brooking. Italy won the group on goal difference, with the combined margin of their victories against Finland and Luxembourg being greater than those of England, who would again be absent from the finals. West Germany and Argentina respectively won the World Cups of 1974 and 1978, with both of them being the host nation, and beating the Netherlands in their Final. Perhaps a relatively good England team could claim to be unlucky, given the strength of the opponents they faced in the qualifiers, as Poland went on to take third place in 1974, and four years later Italy gained fourth place in the World Cup. In between, England were eliminated from the qualifiers for the 1976 European Championship by Czechoslovakia, who were to win that trophy, just as West Germany had in 1972 after defeating England in the Quarter Finals.

England returned to the World Cup finals in 1982, but only just, losing three out of eight matches in their qualifying group, and scraping through to the expanded, 24 team, tournament, held in Spain, as runners-up to Hungary. Once in the finals England got off to a great start, with Bryan Robson scoring after just 27 seconds in the 3-1 victory against France. The goal was celebrated by the English media as the fastest ever scored in the World Cup finals, despite two quicker goals having been recorded in past tournaments. Vaclav Masek scored for Czechoslovakia against Mexico after 15 seconds in 1962, and Ernst Lehner found the net on 25 seconds for Germany against Austria in 1934. England followed the win against France with victories against Czechoslovakia and Kuwait. In the second group stage, England were held to goalless draws by West Germany and Spain, and eliminated, despite being unbeaten in the tournament. Kevin Keegan and Trevor Brooking, who missed most of the tournament due to injuries, appeared as substitutes against Spain. Brooking had a good shot saved by Luis Arconada, and clever work by Bryan Robson set up a chance from which Kevin Keegan sadly headed wide of an inviting goal. The Germans were to reach the Final, but lost against Italy.

Ron Greenwood retired at the end of the 1982 finals, following which Bobby Robson led England through the next two World Cups. Throughout an eight year tenure as manager, Robson dealt calmly with a barrage of unfair criticism from the British press, and showed great enthusiasm for his role. England impressed in winning their group in the 1986 qualifiers, being unbeaten in eight matches. Bryan Robson notched a hat trick as Turkey were beaten 8-0 at Istanbul, and Gary Lineker likewise scored three times in the 5-0 win against the same opponents at Wembley. There was a bad start to the finals, in Mexico, with a defeat against Portugal, and goalless draw with Morocco. Ray Wilkins was sent off in the latter match, and Bryan Robson suffered a recurrence of a dislocated shoulder, which ruled him out of the remainder of the finals. England improved to beat Poland 3-0, with a hat trick from Gary Lineker, in the first meeting between the two teams since the qualifying match at Wembley in 1973. Paraguay were defeated by the same score in the Second Round, with Lineker netting twice. The other goal came from Peter Beardsley, this being the only England goal in the 1986 finals which was not scored by Lineker, who was off the pitch at the time, receiving treatment after being elbowed in the throat by a Paraguayan. In the Quarter Finals England met Argentina, a repeat of their match at the same stage in 1966. Diego Maradona scored twice for Argentina, within a few minutes, early in the second half. The first goal saw Maradona go unpunished for punching the ball into the net – immediately after the match he said the goal was scored by “a little bit of the hand of God, another bit by the head of Maradona”. In the diary that he wrote of the tournament, Robson lamented that England had been “cheated” by the way in which Maradona got his first goal, following which “he scored a second of staggering brilliance”. The latter goal was an amazing solo effort, as Maradona received the ball just inside the Argentinian half, and set off on an irresistible run, beating four English players at great pace, before taking the ball around the advancing Peter Shilton, and slotting it into the net. There was a late onslaught from England, in which Lineker scored, and was inches away from adding an equaliser, but Argentina prevailed 2-1. Lineker’s six goal haul won him the Golden Boot as the tournament’s leading scorer. The England players returned home on the day after the defeat against Argentina, but Bobby Robson remained in Mexico, and attended the Final, in which Argentina beat West Germany 3-2. In the book So Near and Yet So Far: Bobby Robson’s World Cup Diary 1982-86, Robson reflected: “Walking away from the Aztec Stadium I felt I could hold my head up high. Although we had finished in joint fifth place only, it was hugely encouraging for the country and for me. We were so close to being the best – only one disputed goal away from the World Champions”.

Robson’s faith was largely vindicated four years later. England were unbeaten in their qualifying matches for the 1990 World Cup, but only just reached the finals. England were twice held to goalless draws by Sweden, who finished at the top of the table. England qualified as runners-up, by drawing 0-0 away to Poland in their last match. Poland hit the crossbar in the final minute, when a defeat would have eliminated England. At the finals, staged in Italy, England’s first match opened with Gary Lineker scoring a typical opportunist goal against the Republic of Ireland after eight minutes, but the game ended as a 1-1 draw. England drew 0-0 with the Netherlands, but deserved to win, as they gave a skilful display in which Paul Gascoigne excelled. Gascoigne, who had only recently become a regular member of the England team, was about to establish himself as one of the best players in the world, at the age of 23. Gascoigne’s wayward talent had been nurtured by Bobby Robson, who said that the player was “daft as a brush”. A 1-0 win against Egypt saw England emerge at the top of their group, with a free kick from Gascoigne being headed in by Mark Wright. England’s knock-out match against Belgium was goalless until the final minute of extra time. Gascoigne made a powerful run through midfield, which led to his being brought down by a Belgian. Gascoigne lofted the resulting free kick into the penalty area, and David Platt scored with a volley on the turn, to give England a dramatic victory. England struggled to beat Cameroon 3-2, after extra time, in the Quarter Finals. Platt gave England the lead before the interval, but Cameroon scored twice in the second half. Lineker coolly equalised from a penalty late in normal time, before scoring a further goal from the spot in extra time. There was another late equaliser from Lineker in the Semi Finals, as England drew 1-1 with West Germany, after extra time, in a brilliant match, before losing 4-3 on penalties – Stuart Pearce’s penalty was saved, and Chris Waddle shot over the crossbar. During extra time Gascoigne was unlucky to pick up his second booking of the tournament. The realisation that, if England reached the Final, he would miss the match due to suspension, reduced Gascoigne to tears. With half of the nation watching the match on television, footage of Gascoigne’s tears, and pride, won the hearts of the English people. The Germans went on to beat Argentina 1-0 in the Final. Despite a 2-1 defeat against Italy in the Third Place Match, this England team left the tournament with a great reputation. Fourth place was England’s best placing in the World Cup since the trophy was won in 1966. On a personal level, Lineker’s four goals in the tournament, added to those scored in Mexico, enabled him to join the select band of players who have scored ten or more goals in the World Cup finals. Meanwhile Peter Shilton retired from a remarkable international career, having served England in 125 matches over a period of twenty years. The England team returned home as heroes, with Gascoigne the greatest hero of them all. “Gazzamania” was born, and the next few months saw the player engulfed in a whirlwind of publicity.

Bobby Robson departed as England manager at the end of the 1990 finals, becoming coach of PSV Eindhoven, and Graham Taylor oversaw the 1994 World Cup qualifiers. The latter campaign was captured in the television documentary Do I Not Like That, the title being a rather ungrammatical phrase used by Taylor, symbolic of his muddled leadership. England were held to draws at home to both Norway and Netherlands, and lost the away matches against both teams. England finished third in group, three points behind Norway, and two points behind the Dutch. The decisive game for England proved to be the 2-0 defeat against the Netherlands in Rotterdam, in which the first goal was scored by Ronald Koeman, who should have been sent off prior to this, for a foul on David Platt which prevented a goalscoring opportunity. In their last match England conceded a goal to San Marino after just eight seconds, before eventually winning 7-1, as Ian Wright scored four goals. England had previously beaten San Marino 6-0 at Wembley, with David Platt scoring four goals and also missing a penalty. When the 1994 finals were held in the USA, Norway were eliminated in the group stage by the Republic of Ireland, who were in turn beaten by the Netherlands in the Second Round. The Dutch lost 3-2 to Brazil in the Quarter Finals, and Brazil went on to win the World Cup, beating Italy in the Final, following a match that was a goalless draw, after extra time.

Glenn Hoddle replaced Terry Venables as England coach immediately after the Euro 96 finals, in which England reached the Semi Finals, and lost to eventual champions Germany on penalties. Hoddle had been a gifted midfielder, who played for England in the 1982 and 1986 World Cup finals. In the 1998 competition, England were beaten 1-0 by Italy at Wembley, this being England’s first defeat in a home World Cup qualifier. England subsequently drew 0-0 against Italy in Rome, with a solid performance, and won the group. England went into the 1998 finals without Paul Gascoigne, who was surprisingly excluded from the squad by Hoddle, with the manager concerned about Gascoigne’s level of fitness. England began with a 2-0 win against Tunisia, but some sloppy defending in their next match led to a 2-1 defeat against Romania. England bounced back to beat Colombia 2-0, with goals from Darren Anderton and David Beckham, the latter scoring with a brilliant free kick. The victory against Colombia meant England advanced to the knock-out stage, and much tougher South American opponents, in the form of Argentina. A tremendous contest was drawn 2-2, after extra time, with Michael Owen scoring a brilliant solo goal, and Beckham being sent off for retaliating when fouled by Diego Simeone. Argentina then won the match 4-3 on penalties, with Paul Ince and David Batty being the unlucky England players who did not score. Beckham’s silly act, which forced England to play almost all of the second half, plus extra time, a man short, severely limited the team’s attacking options, and was widely regarded as the cause of the team’s elimination. Hoddle chronicled England’s campaign in his infamous book My 1998 World Cup Story, which was published a few months after the finals. Hoddle wrote that his biggest mistake was not having Eileen Drewery, a faith healer, in France with the England squad. Most English football followers thought that Hoddle’s decision that the team should not seriously practice for a penalty shoot-out was a more glaring omission. Hoddle did not even select penalty takers in advance, merely asking for volunteers when the moment arrived against Argentina. He stated in his book: “David Batty was up for it. He was very, very confident. He told me he’d never taken a penalty, but it didn’t matter. I’d rather have someone who’s up for it than someone who’s not any day. Incey was up for it too. He’d had a fantastic game. He’d had to battle through and had put in a magnificent performance. They all had. Every single one of them”.

Hoddle, who was struggling as coach, made some callous remarks about disabled people at the start of 1999, and the Football Association dismissed him. Howard Wilkinson acted as caretaker manager, before being replaced by Kevin Keegan, who took England to the Euro 2000 finals. Keegan’s subsequent managerial role in the World Cup lasted a single match. England’s qualifying campaign for the 2002 competition opened in October 2000 with a 1-0 defeat against Germany, in the last match to be played at Wembley before it was demolished and rebuilt. The defeat prompted Keegan to immediately resign as England manager, admitting that he lacked the tactical understanding required to bring success at international level. Keegan departed saying: “I have no complaints. I have not been quite good enough. I blame no one but myself”. Keegan’s honesty was refreshing, but the timing was not good, with England’s next World Cup qualifier following just four days later. Howard Wilkinson returned as caretaker manager when England drew 0-0 with Finland in that match. Sven-Goran Eriksson took over as coach during the early part of 2001, with the Swede being the first foreigner to manage England. The Autumn saw England thrash Germany 5-1 in Munich, with a brilliant performance, in which Michael Owen scored a hat trick. The qualifying campaign ended with a 2-2 draw against Greece at Old Trafford, by which England secured a place in the finals. Having led a fight-back with a determined personal display, Beckham gained the vital point for England by scoring a spectacular goal, from a thirty yard free kick in stoppage time.

During the Spring of 2002 Beckham suffered a broken metatarsal playing for Manchester United against Deportivo La Coruna in the Champions League. Beckham managed to recover sufficiently to join the England squad for the World Cup finals, held in Japan and South Korea. England began with a 1-1 draw against Sweden. The next match saw England beat Argentina, with Beckham scoring the only goal from a penalty, thereby exorcising demons from the 1998 match. England completed the group stage with a goalless draw against Nigeria. In the Second Round, Denmark were impressively beaten 3-0, with goals from Rio Ferdinand, Michael Owen, and Emile Heskey. England exited with a tame performance against Brazil, who won the Quarter Final meeting 2-1, despite Owen having put England ahead. Ronaldinho, who scored what proved to be the winning goal early in the second half, was sent off a few minutes later, but England failed to take advantage of having an extra man. Brazil subsequently won the trophy, beating Germany 2-0 in what is surprisingly the only World Cup meeting to date between these two giants of the competition. Many blamed Eriksson for England’s failure to effectively challenge for the trophy, with the coach adopting defensive tactics. Despite some lacklustre performances on the pitch, due to the continuing effects of his injury, the impression was that Beckham was one of the stars of the World Cup, as he received great adulation from the local public. He was already an established celebrity in the region due to advertising work.

England performed well in the 2006 World Cup qualifiers, apart from a surprise 1-0 defeat away to Northern Ireland, which was the only one of England’s ten games that was lost. A place in the finals was ultimately secured with a 1-0 win against Austria at Old Trafford in the penultimate game of the campaign, but David Beckham departed half an hour from time, being sent off as he received two yellow cards a minute apart. Each booking was unlucky, but Beckham’s petulant behaviour contributed to the dismissal. He now set the unenviable record of becoming the first player to be sent off twice for England. Four days later England beat Poland 2-1, in the eleventh World Cup meeting with a country that has been England’s most frequent opponent in the competition. Since losing to the Poles in 1973, England have been unbeaten in this sequence. The England team’s performances in the 2006 finals, staged in Germany, were generally disappointing. Beckham, as captain, failed to provide the spark of leadership, although he made some significant contributions. England beat Paraguay 1-0 in their first match, with a free kick from Beckham after three minutes leading to an own goal by Carlos Gammara. England made heavy weather of a 2-0 win against Trinidad and Tobago, and completed the group stage with a 2-2 draw against Sweden. In the Second Round, England beat Ecuador 1-0, with Beckham scoring from a free kick, but he struggled with the effects of dehydration, and vomited during the match. England’s campaign ended in the Quarter Finals, with a defeat against Portugal on penalties, following a match that was drawn 0-0, after extra time. Portugal won the penalty contest 3-1, as efforts by Frank Lampard, Steven Gerrard, and Jamie Carragher were saved. England had now lost all three of the penalty contests they had been involved in during World Cups. England played half of the one hundred and twenty minutes a man short, as Wayne Rooney was sent off for a foul on Ricardo Carvalho. Rooney’s stupid reaction to provocation was reminiscent of Beckham’s failure against Argentina eight years earlier. Against Portugal, a clearly distraught Beckham was substituted shortly after half time, due to an injury. England’s most impressive play in the tournament was provided by the ten men in the second hour against Portugal. It appeared that these players raised their game once the team was left without Beckham and Rooney, who were the supposed stars. Rooney had been a doubtful participant a few weeks earlier, as he suffered a broken metatarsal – just as Beckham had in 2002. On the day following elimination, Beckham announced that he was resigning as England captain. This tournament also brought the end of Eriksson’s tenure as coach. The trophy was won by Italy, who beat France on penalties in the Final, which had been drawn 1-1, after extra time. The Italian squad succeeded despite the developing effects of the Calciopoli domestic match-fixing scandal, which had begun to surface a few weeks earlier. Italy’s players combined technical ability as footballers with mental toughness, believing that they were good enough to win the World Cup. These are qualities that England teams have generally lacked in their World Cup campaigns over the years.

Eriksson was replaced by Steve McClaren, the latter of whom was dismissed as England failed to qualify for the Euro 2008 finals. The next England coach was Fabio Capello, an Italian who had played for his country in the 1974 World Cup finals. Given a new impetus by Capello, England played excellent football in the 2010 qualifiers, winning nine of their ten matches, and scoring 34 goals. Croatia were beaten 4-1 away, with Theo Walcott scoring a hat trick, and 5-1 at home. The campaign began with eight successive victories, this being England’s longest ever winning sequence in the World Cup. David Beckham featured in nine of the qualifying matches – with all but one of these appearances seeing him arrive from the substitutes’ bench – but an Achilles injury, sustained when playing for Milan in March 2010, prevented Beckham from becoming the first English player to participate in the finals of four World Cups. When they get to South Africa, England will meet the USA, Algeria, and Slovenia in the group stage, with this appearing to be a good draw. England lost against the USA in the only previous World Cup meeting between the teams, sixty years ago, but have won most of the encounters since then. England’s sole previous meeting with Slovenia was a 2-1 win in a friendly at Wembley, as recently as September 2009. Algeria will be new opponents for England, as the team from the home of football continue their World Cup odyssey.

The following is a full list of England’s matches in the World Cup:

1950
Qualifiers
15.10.1949 Cardiff Wales 4-1
16.11.1949 Manchester Northern Ireland 9-2
15.04.1950 Glasgow Scotland 1-0
Finals
25.06.1950 Rio de Janeiro Chile 2-0
29.06.1950 Belo Horizonte USA 0-1
02.07.1950 Rio de Janeiro Spain 0-1

1954
Qualifiers
10.10.1953 Cardiff Wales 4-1
11.11.1953 Liverpool Northern Ireland 3-1
03.04.1954 Glasgow Scotland 4-2
Finals
17.06.1954 Basle Belgium 4-4
20.06.1954 Berne Switzerland 2-0
26.06.1954 Basle Uruguay 2-4

1958
Qualifiers
05.12.1956 Wolverhampton Denmark 5-2
08.05.1957 Wembley Republic of Ireland 5-1
15.05.1957 Copenhagen Denmark 4-1
19.05.1957 Dublin Republic of Ireland 1-1
Finals
08.06.1958 Gothenburg Soviet Union 2-2
11.06.1958 Gothenburg Brazil 0-0
15.06.1958 Boras Austria 2-2
17.06.1958 Gothenburg Soviet Union 0-1

1962
Qualifiers
19.10.1960 Luxembourg Luxembourg 9-0
21.05.1961 Lisbon Portugal 1-1
28.09.1961 London Luxembourg 4-1
25.10.1961 Wembley Portugal 2-0
Finals
31.05.1962 Rancagua Hungary 1-2
02.06.1962 Rancagua Argentina 3-1
07.06.1962 Rancagua Bulgaria 0-0
10.06.1962 Vina del Mar Brazil 1-3

1966
Finals
11.07.1966 Wembley Uruguay 0-0
16.07.1966 Wembley Mexico 2-0
20.07.1966 Wembley France 2-0
23.07.1966 Wembley Argentina 1-0
26.07.1966 Wembley Portugal 2-1
30.07.1966 Wembley West Germany 4-2

1970
Finals
02.06.1970 Guadalajara Romania 1-0
07.06.1970 Guadalajara Brazil 0-1
11.06.1970 Guadalajara Czechoslovakia 1-0
14.06.1970 Leon West Germany 2-3

1974
Qualifiers
15.11.1972 Cardiff Wales 1-0
24.01.1973 Wembley Wales 1-1
06.06.1973 Katowice Poland 0-2
17.10.1973 Wembley Poland 1-1

1978
Qualifiers
13.06.1976 Helsinki Finland 4-1
13.10.1976 Wembley Finland 2-1
17.11.1976 Rome Italy 0-2
30.03.1977 Wembley Luxembourg 5-0
12.10.1977 Luxembourg Luxembourg 2-0
16.11.1977 Wembley Italy 2-0

1982
Qualifiers
10.09.1980 Wembley Norway 4-0
15.10.1980 Bucharest Romania 1-2
19.11.1980 Wembley Switzerland 2-1
29.04.1981 Wembley Romania 0-0
30.05.1981 Basle Switzerland 1-2
06.06.1981 Budapest Hungary 3-1
09.09.1981 Oslo Norway 1-2
18.11.1981 Wembley Hungary 1-0
Finals
16.06.1982 Bilbao France 3-1
20.06.1982 Bilbao Czechoslovakia 2-0
25.06.1982 Bilbao Kuwait 1-0
29.06.1982 Madrid West Germany 0-0
05.07.1982 Madrid Spain 0-0

1986
Qualifiers
17.10.1984 Wembley Finland 5-0
14.11.1984 Istanbul Turkey 8-0
27.02.1985 Belfast Northern Ireland 1-0
01.05.1985 Bucharest Romania 0-0
22.05.1985 Helsinki Finland 1-1
11.09.1985 Wembley Romania 1-1
16.10.1985 Wembley Turkey 5-0
13.11.1985 Wembley Northern Ireland 0-0
Finals
03.06.1986 Monterrey Portugal 0-1
06.06.1986 Monterrey Morocco 0-0
11.06.1986 Monterrey Poland 3-0
18.06.1986 Mexico City Paraguay 3-0
22.06.1986 Mexico City Argentina 1-2

1990
Qualifiers
19.10.1988 Wembley Sweden 0-0
08.03.1989 Tirana Albania 2-0
26.04.1989 Wembley Albania 5-0
03.06.1989 Wembley Poland 3-0
06.09.1989 Stockholm Sweden 0-0
11.10.1989 Katowice Poland 0-0
Finals
11.06.1990 Cagliari Republic of Ireland 1-1
16.06.1990 Cagliari Netherlands 0-0
21.06.1990 Cagliari Egypt 1-0
27.06.1990 Bologna Belgium 1-0
01.07.1990 Naples Cameroon 3-2
04.07.1990 Turin West Germany 1-1
West Germany won 4-3 on penalties
07.07.1990 Bari Italy 1-2

1994
Qualifiers
14.10.1992 Wembley Norway 1-1
18.11.1992 Wembley Turkey 4-0
31.03.1993 Izmir Turkey 2-0
28.04.1993 Wembley Netherlands 2-2
29.05.1993 Katowice Poland 1-1
02.06.1993 Oslo Norway 0-2
08.09.1993 Wembley Poland 3-0
13.10.1993 Rotterdam Netherlands 0-2
17.11.1993 Bologna San Marino 7-1

1998
Qualifiers
01.09.1996 Kishinev Moldova 3-0
09.10.1996 Wembley Poland 2-1
09.11.1996 Tbilisi Georgia 2-0
12.02.1997 Wembley Italy 0-1
30.04.1997 Wembley Georgia 2-0
31.05.1997 Katowice Poland 2-0
10.09.1997 Wembley Moldova 4-0
11.11.1997 Rome Italy 0-0
Finals
15.06.1998 Marseille Tunisia 2-0
22.06.1998 Toulouse Romania 1-2
26.06.1998 Lens Colombia 2-0
30.06.1998 St. Etienne Argentina 2-2
Argentina won 4-3 on penalties

2002
Qualifiers
07.10.2000 Wembley Germany 0-1
11.10.2000 Helsinki Finland 0-0
24.03.2001 Liverpool Finland 2-1
28.03.2001 Tirana Albania 3-1
06.06.2001 Athens Greece 2-0
01.09.2001 Munich Germany 5-1
05.09.2001 Newcastle Albania 2-0
06.10.2001 Manchester Greece 2-2
Finals
02.06.2002 Saitama Sweden 1-1
07.06.2002 Sapporo Argentina 1-0
12.06.2002 Osaka Nigeria 0-0
15.06.2002 Niigata Denmark 3-0
21.06.2002 Shizuoka Brazil 1-2

2006
Qualifiers
04.09.2004 Vienna Austria 2-2
08.09.2004 Katowice Poland 2-1
09.10.2004 Manchester Wales 2-0
13.10.2004 Baku Azerbaijan 1-0
26.03.2005 Manchester Northern Ireland 4-0
30.03.2005 Newcastle Azerbaijan 2-0
03.09.2005 Cardiff Wales 1-0
07.09.2005 Belfast Northern Ireland 0-1
08.10.2005 Manchester Austria 1-0
12.10.2005 Manchester Poland 2-1
Finals
10.06.2006 Frankfurt Paraguay 1-0
15.06.2006 Nuremberg Trinidad and Tobago 2-0
20.06.2006 Cologne Sweden 2-2
25.06.2006 Stuttgart Ecuador 1-0
01.07.2006 Gelsenkirchen Portugal 0-0
Portugal won 3-1 on penalties

2010
Qualifiers
06.09.2008 Barcelona Andorra 2-0
10.09.2008 Zagreb Croatia 4-1
11.10.2008 Wembley Kazakhstan 5-1
15.10.2008 Minsk Belarus 3-1
01.04.2009 Wembley Ukraine 2-1
06.06.2009 Almaty Kazakhstan 4-0
10.06.2009 Wembley Andorra 6-0
09.09.2009 Wembley Croatia 5-1
10.10.2009 Dnepropetrovsk Ukraine 0-1
14.10.2009 Wembley Belarus 3-0

Weakest Link

My great (or not so great) moment on national television arrived on December 9 2009, with the broadcast of an episode of “Weakest Link”, which had been filmed on September 16 of that year. The footage shown on television was only the tip of the iceberg, whereas I prefer the full story, which is set out here – mostly written from memory prior to the broadcast so the wording of dialogue is not exact. On the day of filming, I travelled by train to Slough, the town where “The Office” was set, and took a taxi ride across the border from Berkshire into Buckinghamshire. On arriving at Pinewood Studios, I took some photos of the famous gatehouse entrance to the studios, which were opened in 1935

I had been given a 2.00 call time ahead of planned filming from 3.30. In view of this, I had aimed to get to Pinewood at about 12.00, allowing plenty of time for any train delays, and duly arrived around noon. At the Pinewood TV studio, I reported in at reception, and was then shown to the contestants’ room. Here I met Gemma, who had led the audition I had participated in, and also Kevin, who had been the first contestant to arrive. After settling in, I popped out for a quick walk around the car park, from where I took a couple of photos of the James Bond set. Back in the contestant room, I met other participants as they arrived, and also ate BBC sandwiches for lunch. We learned from Gemma that this was the first day of filming for “Weakest Link” after a three month break. This was Gemma’s final day with “Weakest Link”, as she was moving to “Strictly Come Dancing”, a new series of which would start broadcasting two days later. David Cheeseman, the BBC researcher covering the episode I was participating in, arrived accompanied by another bloke called Dave, who would be taking on work with “Weakest Link” when filming moved to Scotland. Three episodes of “Weakest Link” were filmed that day, and I saw part of the first programme via a live video link. This included some great banter between Anne Robinson and a couple of the contestants, a retired lady who writes romantic novels, and a bloke who is training to be a barrister.

At 2.00, once all the contestants had arrived, we were led off to another room. Here we were met by the two ladies who form the wardrobe team. We had been asked to bring three separate outfits, with a note on various colours and patterns to avoid. Besides the shirt and trousers I was wearing, I took along a further four shirts and two pairs of trousers. The wardrobe team sought to avoid clashes between the outfits worn by all of the contestants. After consulting the developing colour chart for the episode, one of the ladies selected a pair of trousers plus two possible shirts. These were to be taken away for ironing. When handing over my trousers, I asked one of the ladies if she could specifically iron them inside out, having been advised to do so by Jeannette, due to the mix of materials. The lady advised me that she had been doing ironing for many years. Once the colour line-up was finalised, the outfit I was to wear for the filming consisted of a pair of brown trousers, bought a few days earlier, and a dark blue shirt, which had been a present from my wife back in 1995.

Each of the contestants were called in turn into a corridor for a biography chat with a lady named Claire. David Cheeseman had spoken to each of us on the telephone – my call had lasted forty five minutes – and typed up notes that were to be passed to Anne Robinson, to give her ideas on quizzing contestants about themselves. David had produced a good summary of my diverse activities, and Claire noted a few minor corrections. As I had mentioned disco dancing, Claire said I could expect Anne to ask for a demonstration.

Alongside the biography chats, each of the contestants were sent to the make- up room, where two ladies applied make up. The information pack from the BBC had advised that all contestants, including the men, would require make-up. The application of make-up was a (relatively) novel experience for me. The make up lady also topped up the gel in my hair. I then got changed into my show outfit, as did the other contestants. Amidst chat about the programme, we learned from the Scottish Dave that audience numbers for “Weakest Link” were currently around 2,500,000 per show. Gemma added that the audience for “Weakest Link” had actually been higher than that for “Big Brother” in the current year.

As we prepared for the show, there was a lot of discussion among the contestants, and a good camaraderie developed. We were shown the podium line-up, and I was pleased to find that I would be in the centre, directly opposite Anne Robinson. The full line-up, from left to right on the television screen, would be.

Kevin. A student, aged 20, who also ran a website selling T shirts.

Gillian. A retired lady aged 67, who was keen on line dancing.

Adam. Aged 32, a project manager, and singer in a rock band, Black Manalishi.

Ellie. A student, aged 20, who was studying history.

Andrew. Myself, a local government officer and writer, age about to be mentioned.

Katie. Aged 25, a lieutenant in the army.

Laurie. He was 62, and worked for a company that imports nuts.

Sally. A medical secretary, aged 52.

Chris. Aged 41, he was a trainee driving instructor.

Gillian and Laurie joked that the older members of the group should join together to vote against the younger ones. I said I was getting old, and asked if I could join the relevant group, but Gillian disagreed. I suggested that Gillian should guess my age, and she tried 23, while some of the others said they thought I was in my thirties. I then revealed my age as 44, to general surprise.

As we looked at the podium line-up, Gillian suggested a banking strategy for the first round. With Adam getting the initial question, due to his name being first in the alphabet, Gillian would be the last person to face their opening question. Gillian suggested that if everbody else had got their question right, she could bank the £800 in the chain, rather than attempting to immediately increase this to £1,000 maximum available in each round, as the latter course would mean the loss of the potential £800 if she got the answer wrong. With the prospect of adding another £200 to a banked £800 by getting a further four questions right in succession, there was a team agreement to Gillian’s suggestion. It was quickly established that a new run from Adam could lead to Katie getting the £200 question, with Laurie banking if all went to plan.

Next we were taken back through the contestants’ room, and off to the programme’s official green room, which was elsewhere in the building. The BBC comedy “My Family” is filmed in the same building, and there were photos of the cast displayed on the walls of the corridor alongside the green room. We were joined in the green room by Claire, who went through the technicalities of the rules for the contest, and also gave us some pointers regarding the banter with Anne. We were also told collusion on voting was not allowed, and that the production team had been known to block the broadcast of shows where there had been a fix. Claire gave an example where the men had decided to vote off the women in alphabetical order, which she said was a silly idea. I asked whether Claire was suggesting that the men did not know the alphabet. The next stage was a lady named Julie running through the technical process for the studio, including the camerawork, plus the “walk of shame” and interviews with contestants after the programme. Then the contestants were filmed chatting amongst ourselves for the opening scene of the programme. As the afternoon progressed, it was apparent that the start of our filming was going to be considerably delayed, with the two previous shows having over-run their expected time slot. Food was provided in the green room and, several hours on from the lunchtime sandwiches, I ate a couple of croissants, to avoid hunger during the filming. Most of the contestants seemed a bit nervous. I also felt some nerves, but my main feeling was one of excited anticipation. There were several last calls for visits to the toilets as the time for filming slipped. With a strange sense of direction, I had managed to get a little bit lost in the corridors around the wardrobe area earlier in the afternoon. During the course of the afternoon, I managed a few other diversions during the extended preparation for filming. The BBC team appeared to conclude that I was prone to such mishaps, and the Scottish Dave acted as an informal minder, keeping an eye on me. It was all part of the fun.

We finally made our way into the studio at 5.30, two hours later than scheduled. I walked into the studio with a sense of excitement, as I arrived in the place I had seen so often on television. I felt like a footballer who was about to play at Wembley Stadium for the first time. Following our arrival, the floor manager, another bloke called Dave, ran though the technical details, focussing on the camera prompts, and use of the voting boards. The two make up ladies arrived to top-up make up for the contestants now, and were to return for this process after each round. I had a practice of my dance moves, which did not go as well as planned, as I banged into a metal hoarding marking the back of the podium. I was about to try the dance again, when I noticed that Anne Robinson had arrived in front of us. Just before filming started, we had a practice display with the voting boards, using made up names – I chose Fred. Some of the contestants got the boards round the wrong way, prompting some withering remarks from Anne. First Anne asked Gillian whether she had seen the show before, following which she asked Kevin how old he was, and when he said 20, Anne remarked “Goodness sake”. My glasses slipped down my nose, and I pushed them back up, which led Anne to tell me not to scratch my nose – I pointed out what had really happened.

The contest started at 6.00. In the first round, we started with Adam. I was the third person to be asked a question, and correctly stated that the day between Wednesday and Friday is Thursday. It was an easy question, but I still felt nervous as I delivered the answer. With the first eight questions answered correctly, Gillian banked £800. The chain started again, and I was soon answering another question, stating that the second word in the continent names beginning North and South is America. Katie got the next question right, and Laurie banked £200 taking us to the £1,000 maximum for the round. I had been one of the four people to correctly answer two questions, but with the right answers having been given to all of the questions in the round, the elimination of a weakest link could be a lottery. I decided to vote against Sally, based on my perception that she appeared more nervous than the other contestants. We were told to pretend we were still writing after we had actually written the name on the board, to allow time for each of us to be filmed in this task. A member of the production team counted the votes, while Anne Robinson was working out which of the contestants she would speak to.

Once the votes had been cast, there was a break of a few minutes before they were officially announced. After we had finished the writing exercise, we were able to perch around the dais where Anne normally stands. I asked if there was time for a drink of water, to which Dave, the floor manager, said we would have to wait until later. There was a bit of chat among the contestants, with the consensus being that it had been difficult to vote against people who had not got any questions wrong. We were called back to our podium positions, and filming resumed with each of us announcing our votes. This started with Kevin voting against me, but I avoided getting any other adverse votes. Once all the votes were revealed there was a tie between Gillian and Katie. Anne began the banter, asking Chris about his work as a trainee driving instructor, and prompting him to give a physical demonstration of his technique in starting a car. Anne then moved to Ellie, with the focus on the latter’s being a history student, who was writing a dissertation about the history of sex. Next Anne turned the attention to Katie, asking about her work with army, and how many stripes she has on her uniform. Anne referred to the fact that Katie could have banked £200 instead of answering a second question. Katie had followed the banking strategy discussed by the team during the preparations, during which the planned sequence had worked on the second chain starting with Adam. As Gillian had answered her question correctly, the banking should have been done one step earlier than we had envisaged. The votes against Katie were presumably due to people realising this. I felt that the votes against Gillian were unfair, as she had suggested a strategy which worked. Anne advised Katie that she was the strongest link, and Katie duly used her casting vote against Gillian, with the latter being the first “weakest link” to depart from the contest.

In the second round I got both of my questions right. First I identified that Chloe Smith, who had recently won a by-election to become Britain’s youngest current MP, is a Conservative. Secondly I stated that the word which can describe both an unwelcome plant and a person of weak physical stature is weed. During the break between rounds water arrived – we each had a bottle with our name on a label. As we chatted, Katie said that she had been nervous at being questioned about her work in the army, and had been required to read and sign a 22 page document setting out the army’s rules on contact with the media. I had asked at my workplace whether there was any specific advice if I was asked about my work for broadcast on television, and been told I just had to be sensible. When filming resumed, and the votes were announced, it was clear that Kevin was being voted off. Anne started the banter for the round by asking Laurie about his work for a company that imports nuts. Laurie pretended not to get involved with Anne’s attempts at innuendo, before saying that is was all below the belt.

Then Anne turned to myself. My moment in the spotlight had arrived. Anne opened by asking if my work in local government and as a writer was dull. I replied that my writing is creative. Anne decided to find out if I knew any local government jokes, to which I responded that the specific area in which I work is accountancy, for which I had several jokes. Wishing to avoid making a hash of telling anything long or complex, I tried a quick remark, saying that accountancy is a great cure for insomnia, and explaining that if my wife has trouble getting to sleep she says to me “Tell me about your work, my angel”. I hope that Anne would pick up on my being referred to as “my angel”, as I had a great story about how my wife and I met each other that followed from this – it had gone down very well at my audition for the programme. Instead Anne wanted another accountancy joke. I responded with “There are three types of accountant, those who can count, and those who cannot”. Anne looked confused, and asked for more, but I said that was the joke. Anne then asked for another joke, and I said “Why did the accountant cross the road? So that he could bore the people over there as well”. Anne then said she had heard I am keen on disco dancing. I said I had won a competition for this. As we moved away from simple joke telling, the banter got more interesting. Anne saw I was enjoying this, and I said “I can keep it up all night”. When Anne said I should put my voting board down, I said I knew what was coming next, and that I would be asked to display my dance moves. I added that I had seen the programme on the BBC at tea-time. I performed a quick run through my dance moves, with a commentary, explaining the arm and leg movements, the twirls, and my ending on my knees. The filmed version included a reverse twirl in addition to the routine I had practised earlier. When I had finished, Anne Robinson said that “the new Michael Jackson” had been found. Anne asked if I could tell a further accountancy joke. I said I had a very good one, but it was a bit rude, and Anne said I should try it. So off I went with a joke that ran more or less as follows. “An accountant leaves a note for his wife one morning saying ‘At the age of 54 I am seeking some youth and excitement in my life, and will therefore be spending tonight at the local hotel with my 18 year-old secretary’. When he arrives at the hotel in the evening, the accountant is surprised to find that his wife has left a message for him at the reception. This note says ‘I too have reached the age of 54, and seek youth and excitement. I shall be spending tonight with my 18 year-old toy boy, and expect to have a great time. As an accountant, you will surely realise that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18’”. This produced laughter from several of the other contestants. When Anne asked why I had voted against Kevin, I said this was due to his getting the date of the Battle of Hastings wrong – he had said 1666 instead of 1066. Kevin then departed. As one of the blokes from the production team sorted out the voting boards ahead of the next round of questions, he said that my jokes had been great. Then it was question time again.

In the third round I got my first question wrong. Being asked which sensory organ includes a series of named bones, I got confused, and said the hand, whereas the correct answer was the ear. My next question was which German group had a hit with “Evacuate the Dancefloor”. I did not have a clue, and therefore passed rather than offering an answer – Anne announced that the band was Cascada. Having failed to get a correct answer in this round, I realised there was a possibility of my being voted off, but hoped to avoid the drop, as Laurie had also got a couple of questions wrong. As I voted against Laurie, I noticed Katie and Ellie both voting against me. During the break between rounds, Katie apologised for voting against me, and I told her it was not a problem, as I had got my questions wrong. Several of the other contestants commented favourably on my performance in the banter. The Scottish Dave said my performance had given the BBC crew a great laugh, although it was unlikely that my last joke would be shown on television. There was also a return of the water bottles during this break. When the votes were revealed, five of the votes had gone against myself, and two against Laurie. This meant that I would be departing as soon as Anne had completed the next set of banter. Within a few minutes of the excitement of my dance and jokes, I now experienced the disappointment of defeat. It was a rollercoaster ride, but that’s life.

Anne turned to Sally, who works as a medical secretary, asking whether she found the doctors she worked with attractive. Sally said that she did not. Anne then asked Sally for her view of Chris, who she did not find sexy. Anne asked if Andrew with his dancing was sexy, and Sally said “yes”, to which I replied “thank you”. Anne also asked Chris why he voted against me, and he said I had a bad round. Then it was time for the inevitable phrase from Anne, “Andrew you are the weakest link, goodbye”. Now I had to make the “walk of shame” off of the set. We had been told beforehand that this walk would have to be made twice, as it was filmed from two angles, and that we had to remember to exit the podium by the same route each time. I duly walked away from the podium, returned for a moment, and then walked fully off the set, being given directions from the production team as I did so. I left the set at shortly after 7.00, which meant I had been in the studio for just over 90 minutes, and involved in filming at intervals across a little more than an hour. On leaving the set, I was led down long corridors to a small room, in which Julie conducted what could be called my post-match interview, accompanied by a cameraman. Julie had a chat with me about the main features of my participation. I thought this was an introductory process, ahead of the filming of the real version, but answered Julie’s questions as well as I could in case I was being filmed. Julie then confirmed my belief that this had been the warm-up, before re-staging the discussion which was now filmed. Unfortunately several times when I made a point that Julie liked, she suggested a re-phrasing of my answer which was then filmed again. Amidst the repetition, some of the spontaneity in my answers was lost. Julie seemed pleased when I said that Anne had not got one of the jokes I told, and I suggested that Anne was not as smart as she thinks she is. Amidst disappointment at being voted off relatively early, I spoke about the positive elements, with the enjoyment of my banter with Anne being prominent. I was surprised at the way in which about ten minutes was taken to get what would only probably be a twenty second soundbite on the TV, especially as the comments part of the programme tend to be rather formulaic. At the end of the day you are only as good as your last cliché.

After the filming was complete, I made my way back to the contestants’ room, passing Adam on the way, as he had been voted off at the end of round four. I watched the remainder of the contest on the live video link, while also talking to other contestants, and members of the BBC team. I also took some photos, and collected a BBC cheque for £11, representing the reimbursement of my taxi fair. Laurie departed at the end of round five, being followed by Ellie in the next round. The final vote eliminated Sally, which left a final between Chris and Katie. During the final Anne Robinson made a small error in asking a question to Katie, who got the answer wrong. Katie was given another question to answer instead. After a close contest, Chris won the final in the sudden death section. Chris and Katie returned to the contestants’ room, and Chris received a round of applause from both contestants and BBC staff. After a round of farewells, I left the studio at 8.20, and shared a taxi to Slough station with Ellie and Laurie. During the journey home I had telephone conversations with my family about the show. My disappointment at an early exit from “Weakest Link” was less important than excitement at the positive experience of participating in the programme, enjoying the good life, and I still had the screening of the programme on television to look forward to.

Orwell and Waugh

Hello again. Looking through some of my previously unpublshed writings, I recentlly came across the following from 2003, which I think worth posting here:

George Orwell and Evelyn Waugh

This year sees the centenary of the birth of both George Orwell and Evelyn Waugh. They make an unlikely pairing, Waugh the reactionary defender of privilege and Roman Catholicism, contrasting with Orwell the passionate advocate of democratic Socialism. Although their political outlook and lifestyle were very different, Orwell and Waugh came from a similar background. Waugh’s ancestry, which he was to comment upon at length in “A Little Learning”, a volume of autobiography published in 1964, was solidly middle class. Orwell’s immediate family was also middle class, but further back he had aristocratic, and even royal, ancestry through the marriage of his great great grandfather Charles Blair (1743 – 1820) to Mary Fane, a daughter of the Earl of Westmorland. For most of the 1930s and 1940s – the decades in which they made their literary reputations - Orwell and Waugh lived on parallel lines, with little to connect them apart from their literary brilliance, but towards the end of Orwell’s life they became acquainted, and wrote about each other’s work.

The first connection between the two men was a couple of passing references to Waugh in the title-essay of Orwell’s book of literary criticism “Inside the Whale”, published in 1940. This essay moved from an appreciation of the work of Henry Miller into a study of the difficult position of novelists in an age of rapid political change. In the following years Orwell mentioned Waugh a few times in his writing. Waugh did not return the compliment until 1945, and then only in private. In his diary entry of August 31st 1945, Waugh wrote “I dined with my Communist cousin Claud [Cockburn] who warned me against Trotskyist literature, so that I read and greatly enjoyed Orwell’s ‘Animal Farm’”. “The Diaries of Evelyn Waugh” were not to be published until 1976, a decade after his death. Waugh’s first published reference to Orwell, and the first significant recognition between the two men, was therefore his review of “Critical Essays”, which appeared in the issue of the “Tablet” dated April 6 1946.

It is a mixed review, which Waugh apparently wrote in a hurry. Waugh’s diary entry of March 25th 1946 shows the piece was written on that single day, amidst his campaigning over problems with the local water supply, and doing some gardening. Waugh opens with a perceptive appreciation of the collection of ten essays written by Orwell on literary and cultural themes, which “represent at its best the new humanism of the common man”. In the course of favourable comments on most of the pieces in the book Waugh, however, felt the need to let slip his prejudices against Orwell’s viewpoint. A piece in which the reactionary outlook displayed in “Gem”, “Magnet” and other magazines aimed at schoolboys is criticised, leads Waugh to declare “Mr Orwell betrays the unreasoned animosity of a class-war in which he has not achieved neutrality”. Towards the end of the review Waugh, remembering the Roman Catholic audience of the “Tablet”, goes off at a tangent. He suggests that Orwell has seen the falsity in humanism, but rejects the obvious alternative of religion. Orwell is charged with being “unaware of the existence of his Christian neighbours” and in “ignorance of Catholic life”. Following this Waugh comes up with “Mr Orwell’s writing is as readable as his thought is lucid. His style is conversational. Sometimes it lapses into the barrack-room slang of the class-war”. Waugh adds “It is a pity, I think, to desert the lingua franca of polite letters for the jargon of a coterie”. He also warns his readers that Orwell’s essay on Salvador Dali had previously been suppressed “on grounds of obscenity”. In the final sentence Waugh redresses the balance for Orwell, stating “There is nothing in his writing that is inconsistent with high moral principles”.

Waugh’s “Brideshead Revisited”, published in 1945, and Orwell’s “Nineteen Eighty-Four, which appeared in 1949, represent diametrically contrasting reactions to the political upheaval caused by the Second World War. Waugh retreated back to the inter-war years, as he glorified aristocracy, Roman Catholicism, and Oxford University. Orwell looked ahead, and warned about the threat of a totalitarian future. Waugh’s “Brideshead Revisited” appears to have provided unlikely inspiration for Orwell’s “Nineteen Eighty-Four” in a couple of instances. Waugh has Lord Brideshead becoming engaged to Beryl Muspratt, a widow whose eldest son is at Ampleforth, a Catholic school (Book Three Chapter 3). In “Nineteen Eighty-Four” one of Winston Smith’s colleagues at the Ministry of Truth is named Ampleforth (Part I Section IV). This specific point suggests that Orwell’s use of the name Julia for the heroine of his novel may follow that of Lady Julia Flyte, the central female character in Waugh’s book.

In February 1949 Orwell agreed to write a 5,000 word article on Waugh for “Partisan Review”, a magazine in the USA to which he had been a regular contributor since 1941. Orwell was not, however, to get beyond writing notes for the article, due to poor health. It is unfortunate that Orwell could not write the piece, as it would have been a fascinating pendent to Waugh’s review of Orwell’s essays. At this point Orwell was resident at the Cotswold Sanatorium, at Cranham in Gloucestershire, being treated for tuberculosis, an illness that had plagued him for much of his life, and would lead to his death the following year. Orwell’s notes for the article appear in Volume 4 of “The Collected Essays, Journalism, and Letters” (edited by Ian Angus and Sonia Orwell, 1968), including: “Analyse Brideshead Revisited. (Note faults due to being written in first person). Studiously detached attitude. Not puritanical. Priests not superhuman. Real theme – Sebastian’s drunkenness, & family’s unwillingness to cure this at the expense of committing a sin. Note that this is a real departure from the humanist attitude, with which no compromise possible. But. Last scene, where the unconscious man makes the sign of the Cross. Note that after all the veneer is bound to crack sooner of later. One cannot really be Catholic & grown-up”.

Coincidentally, having been prompted by their mutual friends Anthony Powell and Malcolm Muggeridge, Waugh made a series of visits to Orwell at Cranham. Orwell sent a copy of “Nineteen Eighty-Four” to Waugh upon its publication in June 1949. Waugh commented at length on the book in a letter of July 17. Ironically, I should mention that the following quotes from the letter include an obscenity from Waugh. After noting that “I have seen a number of reviews, English and American, all respectful and appreciative”, Waugh wrote “please believe that I echo their admiration for your ingenuity. On the other hand, Waugh continued “But the book failed to make my flesh creep as presumably you intended”. Waugh also cast doubt on the validity of Winston's rebellion, writing “It was false, to me, that the form of his revolt should simply be ******* in the style of Lady Chatterley - finding reality through a sort of mystical union with the Proles in the sexual act. I think it possible that in 1984 we shall be living in conditions rather like those you show. But what makes your vision spurious to me is the disappearance of the Church”. It was probably not the message Orwell wanted to read, but Waugh did at least accord the book the serious consideration that it deserved. The comments in the letter represent a fitting conclusion to the brief, and enigmatic, links between Orwell and Waugh.

Freedom of Information

I thought I would add my views to the controversy over MPs’ expenses, following recent publication of the official details. This followed on from the extensive leaking of information by the “Daily Telegraph”. The official information was made following requests under the Freedom of Information Act, after lengthy resistance by MPs over several years. I am annoyed that the “Daily Telegraph” has largely used the expenses detail against the Labour Party, and in favour of the Conservatives. Being outside the public sector, the “Daily Telegraph” is exempt from Freedom of Information, and has not had to disclose how much, and to whom, it paid for the leaked detail about MPs’ expenses. Should somebody from the “Torygraph” be made to appear before a House of Commons committee to explain?

Hello again.

As a Manchester United fan I am looking forward to their meeting with Barcelona in the Champions League Final tomorrow. Ten years ago today, in Barcelona, United dramatically won the Champions League. Good reason to post the following, written for my book "Europe United".


Manchester United and Bayern Munich met in the Final at Barcelona’s Nou Camp Stadium, before a crowd of 90,245, on May 26 1999. Ironically both Finalists had only been runners-up in their domestic leagues the previous season. After progressing through the qualifiers, they had met in the group stage of this season’s European Cup, and drawn both of their matches. Both clubs were forced to field a weakened team for the Final. Bayern were without Bixente Lizarazu, a Frenchman, and Giovane Elber, a Brazilian, each of whom were carrying long-term injuries. United lacked Roy Keane and Paul Scholes, combative midfielders who were both suspended due to bookings picked up against Juventus. Keane’s role as captain was filled by Peter Schmeichel, the goalkeeper, who was making his final appearance for the club. United were managed by Alex Ferguson, who had been captivated by the European Cup when he attended Real Madrid’s 7-3 win against Eintracht Frankfurt, in his native Glasgow, as an eighteen year-old, back in 1960. Now Ferguson had the chance to win the competition, and emulate Matt Busby, a fellow Scotsman, who had led United to victory in 1968, on their only previous appearance in a European Cup Final. Bayern Munich’s coach was Ottmar Hitzfeld, who had led Borussia Dortmund to victory in the 1997 European Cup Final – after they had beaten Manchester United in the Semi Final. This was Bayern Munich’s sixth Final – the hat trick of wins in the mid-1970s being followed by defeats against Aston Villa, in 1982, and Porto, in 1987. The 1999 Final was being played on the anniversary of Bayern’s defeat against Aston Villa. The referee, Pierluigi Collina, became the first Italian to control a European Cup Final since 1991, with this being the first such contest since then that did not feature an Italian club. On the other hand, May 1999 had already seen Parma win the UEFA Cup, and Lazio become the last ever winners of the European Cup-Winners’ Cup. Collina was one of the world’s most recognisable referees, with his bald head, bulging eyes, and authoritative manner.

This match was one of the most dramatic Finals in the history of the competition. Bayern Munich struck first, with Mario Basler scoring from a free kick – wrong-footing Schmeichel – after five minutes. Despite this setback, United remained calm, had most of the possession during the remainder of the first half, and created the better goalscoring chances. Dwight Yorke went close to scoring on twenty minutes, and United threatened twice in the last five minutes of the half – firstly with a free kick from David Beckham, and then with a clever passing move that ended with Oliver Kahn, the Bayern goalkeeper, diving at the feet of Ryan Giggs.

Bayern nearly doubled their lead within two minutes of the restart, as Carsten Jancker made a powerful run into the United penalty area, followed by a shot from a narrow angle, which Schmeichel did well to push wide of the goal. Eight minutes later Manchester United in turn threatened, as a cross from Ryan Giggs on the right found Jesper Blomqvist, only for the latter to shoot over the bar from close range, as Kahn came to challenge him. United continued to enjoy the majority of play, and chances, as the second half progressed, but Bayern’s occasional attacks appeared more threatening. Schmeichel was the busier goalkeeper, and had to make an excellent save to deny Effenburg with seventeen minutes remaining. On seventy nine minutes Basler made a powerful run down the right wing, beating several United players, and then laid the ball off for Mehmet Scholl, whereupon the latter’s chipped shot beat Schmeichel, but hit a post. Five minutes later Bayern hit the woodwork again, with an overhead kick from Jancker striking the crossbar during a goalmouth scramble that followed a corner. In the minutes following this second reprieve, United pushed strongly for an equaliser, but Teddy Sheringham, Yorke, and Ole Gunnar Solskjaer each failed to make the most of opportunities to score.

As the end of the scheduled forty five minutes of the second half arrived Bayern Munich still led 1-0. UEFA officials put Bayern’s ribbons on the trophy, but the signal from the fourth official that three minutes of stoppage time were due gave Manchester United hope. During recent years United had scored many winning or equalising goals in the closing minutes of vital matches – indeed they had done so in the second leg of this season’s Quarter Final, and in both legs of their Semi Final. At the start of stoppage time, United moved forward, and won a corner on the left. Schmeichel ran the length of the pitch to join the United attack in the Bayern Munich penalty area, and his presence put pressure on the opposition as David Beckham’s corner flew into the goalmouth. The Bayern defence only half-cleared the corner, with the ball reaching Ryan Giggs just outside the penalty area. Giggs drove the ball back towards the goal, and Sheringham calmly slotted it, on the turn, into the bottom left-hand corner of the net. United had finally scored the equaliser that their determined pressure merited. Having simultaneously avoided immediate defeat and seized the initiative from Bayern Munich, Manchester United sensed the possibility of scoring a further, decisive, goal in stoppage time, rather than enduring the tension of extra time. United attacked again, and Solskjaer won them another corner on the left. Beckham’s delivery was met at the near post by Sheringham, whose glancing header sent the ball across the goalmouth towards Solskjaer, who volleyed it into the top right-hand corner of the net. Schmeichel, who stayed in his own penalty area this time, celebrated the goal with a summersault – a moment memorably captured on television. Moments later Collina blew the final whistle, and Manchester United had suddenly won 2-1, with two goals scored in stoppage time – both by substitutes – after trailing for almost the entire match. The equaliser had been dramatic, but the way in which it was followed by a winning goal was simply sensational.

Manchester United’s players and management began to celebrate their victory almost in a state of disbelief, having faced defeat only a few minutes earlier. Alex Ferguson’s immediate comment to a television interviewer was “I can’t believe it, I can’t believe it, football, bloody hell”. The Bayern Munich players reacted with equivalent despair, having lost due to a turnaround even more surprising than the latter part of the 1987 Final. The United players collected their winners’ medals, and the trophy was held aloft by Peter Schmeichel and Alex Ferguson. An excited Schmeichel said afterwards:

Not even Hans-Christian Andersen could have written a fairytale like that. One thing I have learned throughout my time with United is that we never give up, and we proved it tonight. You cannot get higher than this. Tonight is the night for Manchester United and champagne.

The victory was a dream finish to Schmeichel’s eight-year career with United. He had established his reputation as one of the greatest goalkeepers in the world during Denmark’s surprise victory in Euro 92, and been outstanding in the 2-0 win against Germany in the Final. Now he had thwarted the Germans again. Although they rode their luck in the Final, Manchester United were deserving winners of the competition, being unbeaten in their 13 matches, during which they scored 31 goals. They had also completed a unique treble, becoming the first English club to win the domestic championship, FA Cup, and European Cup in the same season. Besides dominating English football during the 1990s, they had been a major force in the European club competitions, winning the Cup-Winners’ Cup in 1991, and showing increasing ability during a series of campaigns in the European Cup. United had now won the European Cup for the first time in thirty one years, an echo of Real Madrid regaining the trophy in 1998 after a thirty two year gap. This Manchester United team had reached even greater heights than their predecessors of 1968. Indeed Manchester United were soon to convert their treble into a quadruple triumph, as on November 30 1999 they beat Palmeiras, of Brazil, 1-0 in Tokyo, with a goal from Roy Keane, to become the first English team to win the World Club Championship. Forty three years after Matt Busby had shown the foresight to lead United into Europe for the first time, they had finally won the silverware to match their claim to be the greatest club in the world.

International Pixel-Stained Technopeasant Day

Today is International Pixel-Stained Technopeasant Day, the day on which writers make part of their work freely available on the Internet. This great initiative in communication began in 2007. With today also being Saint George's Day, I thought the following piece from my book "Legends of British History" was appropriate to place here. All the best from a technopeasant.


Saint George and the Dragon

The supposedly reserved British public excelled themselves with a great display of patriotic flag-waving during June 2002, in a momentous double celebration. The month opened with a four day weekend to mark the Golden Jubilee of Queen Elizabeth II. This coincided with the commencement of the England football team’s campaign in the World Cup finals, which were staged in Japan and South Korea. The Union Jacks with which the British greeted the Jubilee were accompanied by the flag of Saint George, the banner of England. The Republic of Ireland were also participating in the World Cup finals, with a team that included several men born in England of Irish descent, and Irish flags were seen flying alongside those of England. As England and Ireland progressed to the latter stages of the tournament, flags flew from homes and cars for three weeks. This outpouring of patriotism was accompanied by some media discussion about the origins of Saint George, and the English national flag, both of which were demonstrated to be muddled in obscurity or legend.
Saint George was not English. Indeed it is almost certain that he never even visited England. The story that George sailed through the stretch of water that separates south west England from the southern coast of Ireland – now known as Saint George’s Channel – in order to visit Glastonbury, the spiritual home of English christianity, can be dismissed as wishful fiction. Saint George’s place in the national affections stems from the ironic way in which the English, while often displaying a patriotism that borders on nationalism, with an alleged superiority to other nations, have relied heavily on the assimilation of foreign influences in the development of our history and culture. Saint George is a saint whom the English have had to share with many other peoples, and places. At various times George has been acclaimed as patron saint of Antioch, Aragon, Armenia, Branganza, Catalonia, Constantinople, Ethiopia, Ferrara, Genoa, Georgia, Germany, Hanover, Hungary, Lithuania, Malta, Portugal, Russia, Schleswig, Valencia, and Venice. George has also been adopted as patron saint by archers, armourers, husbandmen, knights, and soldiers, while his influence is supposed to have helped people suffering from leprosy, plague, and syphilis.
George appears to have been a Palestinian soldier, who was tortured, and murdered, at Nicomedia (now Izmit in Turkey) on April 23 303. George’s death was part of the “great persecution” of Christians within the Roman Empire, which was commenced by Diocletian (ruled 284-305), and continued by Galerius (305-311). This repression was halted in 312, upon the abrupt conversion to Christianity of the Emperor Constantine I (311-337). By the end of the fourth century, Christianity had become the leading religion within the Roman Empire. Within a few centuries of his death, the cult of Saint George stretched across both Europe and the Middle East. Although Saint George is generally associated with the man murdered in 303, there has been some debate about his original identity. George features in one of the most famous books written by a British historian, namely “The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire” by Edward Gibbon (1737-1794), which was published in six volumes between 1776 and 1788. In 1988, the two hundredth anniversary of the appearance of the final volumes of Gibbon’s work, I bought and read a one volume abridgement, with the truncated title “The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire”, edited by D M Low, which had been published in 1960. Gibbon asserted that Saint George was the same person as George of Cappadocia, a notoriously corrupt tax collector, who became the Christian Archbishop of Alexandria, and was murdered by a pagan mob in 361. Gibbon wrote that, as a result of the manner of his death, George “assumed the mask of a martyr, a saint, and a Christian hero; and the infamous George of Cappadocia has been transformed into the renowned St George of England, the patron of arms, of chivalry, and of the garter”.
The single action for which Saint George has become universally known is an astounding act of chivalry, in which he rescued a damsel in distress, and slayed a dragon. The popularisation of this tale cannot, however, be traced much further back than the appearance of the “Golden Legend”, a collection of biographies of saints, written by Jacobus de Voragine (1230-1298), an Italian prelate. This book was translated into English in 1483 by William Caxton (circa 1422-circa 1491), the founder of English printing. The legend has been told many times, with many variants, but the basic story can be recounted in a few sentences. A dragon was said to have preyed upon a fabled country or city, using its vile breath to poison humans. The people managed to appease the dragon by feeding it two sheep each day until the supply of these animals was nearly exhausted. A decision was made to start offering humans as food for the dragon, and the drawing of lots selected the king’s daughter as the first such victim. As the moment of sacrifice impended, George rescued the princess, using her girdle to capture the monster. George then offered to kill the dragon in return for the people being baptised into the Christian faith. George’s dispatch of the dragon was duly celebrated with 15,000 baptisms, following which the people of this unknown land lived a Christian and caring life, in honour of George’s brave act.
Knowledge of Saint George apparently first reached England around four hundred years after his death, with one of the earliest references occurring in the “Martyrology” of the Venerable Bede (circa 673-735) – a monk of Jarrow Priory, who was one of the foremost scholars of his day. Around the turn of the first millennium the writings of Aelfric “the Grammarian”, abbot successively of Cerne Abbas (Dorset) and Eynsham (Oxfordshire) helped to spread the word about George. His reputation was strengthened by English participation in the Third Crusade. During the First Crusade a vision of George had preceded the Christian victory at Antioch (now Antakya in Turkey) in 1098. A century later, Richard I (reigned 1189-1199) led a strong English force in the Third Crusade, and apparently also saw a vision of George, who was already regarded as an international patron saint for soldiers. Richard put his men under the protection of George, and they learnt about his cult in the region where it originated. In 1222 the Synod of Oxford appointed April 23 as a feast day, this being the first English recognition of Saint George’s Day. Edward I (1272-1307) was the first English king to display the flag of Saint George. The flag’s red cross on a white background symbolises the blood spilt in the crucifixion of Jesus Christ.
The Hundred Years War between 1337 and 1453 brought the high point in the English cult of Saint George. His courageous defeat of the dragon made George an ideal figurehead for an English nation locked in protracted war against France. Edward III (1327-1377) owned a relic of George’s blood, and oversaw the effective recognition of George as England’s patron saint. George displaced the previous joint holders of that honour, who had been lacking in military prowess. Edmund, King of East Anglia (854-869) was tortured, and killed, by Danish invaders, who conquered his territory. Edward “the Confessor” (1042-1066) was an exceptionally pious man, whose quiescent approach to international relations, combined with an unconsummated marriage, that left him without an heir, could be seen as one of the roots of the Norman Conquest.
In 1348 Edward III founded the Order of the Garter, which brought together English knights in an attempt to recreate Arthurian romance. The order owed much to the inspiration of Saint George, and Edward III created Saint George’s Chapel, at Windsor Castle, as a meeting place for its members. The first formal meeting of the order took place on Saint George’s Day in 1349. The naming of the order stemmed from a ball held by the English court in France in 1347, during a lengthy siege of Calais. Although Edward III was married to Philippa of Hainault, he apparently had what would now be called a crush on his cousin, Joan of Kent, who was nicknamed the “Fair Maid of Kent”, due to the combination of her being the daughter of Edmund, Earl of Kent (a son of Edward I) and her beauty. Joan was also married, in fact she had wedded two men in quick succession, namely Thomas Holland and William Montague, the latter being both Earl of Salisbury and King of the Isle of Man. The bigamous nature of Joan’s second marriage led to it being annulled. Following the death of Thomas Holland, Joan would marry Edward “the Black Prince”, a son of Edward III. During a dance at the Calais ball, one of the blue silk garters that Joan was wearing to keep her stockings in place fell to the floor, and was immediately retrieved by Edward III, who in turn tied the garter around one of his legs. Amidst suggestive comment from onlookers about his action, Edward declared “Honi soit qui mal y pense”, a French phrase meaning “Shame on him who thinks shameful thoughts”. The French version of the phrase features on the Lion and the Unicorn emblem of the United Kingdom, along with “Dieu et Mon Droit”, a motto introduced by Richard I. Building upon the Arthurian theme, Jean Froissart (circa 1333 – circa 1404), a brilliant French chronicler who surprisingly became a member of the English court during the Hundred Years War, claimed that King Arthur had flown the flag of Saint George as he battled to defend the independence of Britain.
George was venerated by a series of monarchs in the century following the death of Edward III, as the war against France gave way to the Wars of the Roses, in which both Lancastrians and Yorkists proclaimed the saint as a champion. George’s leadership was famously invoked by Henry V (1413-1422), in a speech prior to the English victory against the French at the Battle of Agincourt in 1415. Later that year Henry Chichele, who had been appointed Archbishop of Canterbury in 1414, promoted Saint George’s Day to the rank of a principal religious feast. In the twenty first century, Saint George’s Day is recognised by the flying of flags from public buildings but, despite spirited campaigns from groups of patriotic citizens, April 23 is not a national holiday in England.
Saint George has remained a significant part of the English identity ever since the fifteenth century, but there has not been a major development of his cult during that period. In view of the English monarchy’s promotion of the saint, it is surprising that only six of our nation’s kings have borne the name George – with each of these having ruled in the last three hundred years, rather than the medieval period or the Middle Ages. The first such monarch was George I (1714-1727), who was born at Osnabruck in Germany, as a member of the Hanoverian monarchy. At his birth on May 28 1660 – coincidentally the day before Charles II became king upon the restoration of the English monarchy, following the interlude of Oliver Cromwell’s Republic – George had virtually no prospect of becoming king of England. Following the Act of Settlement 1701, the Hanoverian royals began to prepare for possible succession to the English throne, and the future George II, who had been born at Schloss Herrenhausen, in Hanover, in 1683, became a naturalised Briton in 1705. George II, the son of George I, reigned from 1727 until 1760, when he unfortunately died of a heart attack while sat on a lavatory. George II was followed by his grandson George III (1760-1820), the first of the Hanoverian kings of Britain to be born in this island. George’s reign is famous for Britain’s loss of the colonies which became the United States of America, and also spells of supposed “madness” – the latter of which will feature at length later in this book. George III was replaced as effective ruler in 1811 by his son, the Prince Regent, who reigned as George IV from 1820 to 1830. George V (1910-1936), a great great grandson of George III, presided over Britain’s conflict with Germany in the First World War, during which he changed his family’s surname from Saxe-Coburg-Gotha – the Geman principality of Albert, the husband of Queen Victoria – to Windsor. The idea for the surname came from the discovery that Edward III had been known as “Edward of Windsor”, due to his birth in Windsor Castle. George V was followed by his son, George VI (1936-1952). The latter was named Albert Frederick Arthur George at birth, and known as Bertie to his family, but officially called himself George. In 1940 George VI introduced the George Cross and George Medal, to recognise acts of bravery during the Second World War.
Saint George’s Chapel is an enduring legacy of George’s elevation to be England’s patron saint. The chapel created by Edward III was rebuilt by his great great grandson Edward IV (1461-1470 and 1471-1483), with work commencing in 1475. Edward IV was the first king to be interred in the chapel, which has become one of the premier burial grounds of the British monarchy. Edward IV was followed by Henry VIII, Charles I, George III, George IV, William IV, Edward VII, George V, and George VI. Four of the six kings named George have therefore been entombed in the chapel. The exceptions are the two Georges who were born in Germany. George I died during a visit to Germany, and his brial took place in Hanover, making him the first English monarch to be buried abroad since Richard I. George II was laid to rest in Westminster Abbey. The royal consorts buried in the chapel include Edward IV’s widow, Elizabeth Woodville, and Jane Seymour, the third wife of Henry VIII. Most recently the body of Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother, was buried in the chapel, alongside that of her husband George VI, fifty years after his death had occurred in 1952. The ashes of Princess Margaret, a daughter of George and Elizabeth, who had died a few weeks before the Queen Mother, were also interred in Saint George’s Chapel. Our rapid journey through several countries, and across the centuries, in search of the significance of Saint George has brought us back to the Britain of 2002, which is where we started.